I read St. Augustine’s Confessions as an assignment in high school. While St. Augustine’s conversion was interesting, I was surprised to find out more about St. Monica — St. Augustine’s mom — the woman who prayed for his conversion constantly. It turns out that St. Monica struggled with alcohol when she was young.
As Augustine tells it, in the ninth book of his Confessions, while Monica was growing up, she had the job of pouring wine from the cellar into a pitcher to bring to the table for dinner. One day, she started drinking a little bit while she poured the wine — not because she liked wine particularly, but just for the thrill of it. Then slowly, she started drinking more and more.
St. Augustine then explains how she was healed of this “secret disease.” A young servant came to the cellar with her one day, and made fun of her, “taunted her with this fault, with most bitter insult, calling her wine-bibber. With which taunt she [Monica], stung to the quick, saw the foulness of her fault, and instantly condemned and forsook it.”
The insult, bringing her secret habit to light, was enough to stop her habit.
From thrill to enslavement
I’ve seen in my own life how easy it is for one small thing, like drinking a little just for a thrill, can lead to the much bigger problem of feeling enslaved to alcohol. Two great saints have given me insight into pinning down what an unhealthy attachment looks like.
St. John of the Cross talks about how feeling possessive toward created things holds us captive, and actually prevents us from enjoying the goodness of those things fully. Possessiveness “is a care that, like a trap, holds the spirit to the earth and does not allow wideness of heart. In detachment from things they acquire a clearer knowledge of them and a better understanding of both natural and supernatural truths concerning them” (The Ascent of Mount Carmel, Book 3).
St. Ignatius, in his rules for discernment of spirits, gives guidelines to help us discover whether our feelings are helping or hindering us from doing God’s will. The evil Angel wants us to continue on in sin, so if we are attached to something, he will help us focus on how enjoyable and pleasing our attachment is, and how hard and unpleasant it would be to give it up.
How to discern an out-of-order relationship
A poor or out-of-order relationship with alcohol prevents us from loving God and staying close to Him. This poor relationship doesn’t only look like regularly drinking too much (although that certainly points to a disordered relationship). Instead, it could be that you only have one drink every evening. But if that one drink consumes your thoughts, and you count down the minutes until it is your time to have your drink, then that glass of wine or that tumbler of whiskey is preventing you from loving God and your neighbor fully. Attachments keep us focused on ourselves to the detriment of our other relationships.
These thoughts, sparked by St. Monica and fleshed out more fully with St. John of the Cross and St. Ignatius, helped me in creating an examination of conscience. The following questions allow me to see if I’m too attached to alcohol. (They are also helpful for other things—I could use these if I suspect I’m attached to sweets, superfluous screen time, or hearing praise and affirmation from others. So feel free to change it a bit to try to account for other things you are over-seeking).
Examining your conscience in regard to alcohol
Does not having a drink when you’re expecting one change your mood/make you upset?
Do you have a certain level of “feeling good” that you try to reach whenever you drink? And you drink until you reach that point? Regardless of the environment, circumstances, etc.?
Do you think during or throughout the day about when the next time you’ll be able to have a drink?
If you attend a social event and there isn’t an opportunity to drink, are you disappointed? Do you always bring your own alcohol to share (or not) so that you won’t run into that problem?
Are you careful to never run out of alcohol at home so that it is available every night or whenever you might want it?
Does going a day or a week without alcohol seem like it would be too difficult to accomplish?
Is your budget for alcohol (including if you buy drinks when eating out) preventing you from giving generously to those in need or preventing you from tithing? Is the amount you spend preventing you from meeting a basic need or meeting a more important financial goal (like saving money every month or paying off debt).
Saint Monica and Venerable Matt Talbot (check out his story here) pray for us!
